"Happy, Happy, Birthday, Baby" - Tune Weavers starts "Happy, happy birthday baby"
"Although you're with somebody new"
When Paul and I were little kids...we had our birthdays only four days apart
"Thought I'd drop a line to say That I wish this happy day" Come to think of it, we still have our birthdays only four days apart
But I guess birthdays aren't as big a part of life as they used to be.
"Would find me beside you"
Man - we had some classic parties.
"Happy, happy birthday, baby" Year after year we reached toward manhood together.
"No, I can't call you my baby"
"Seems like years ago we met"
"On a day I can't forget" When we fell short...we fell short together.
God - we couldn't wait to get older "Cause that's when we fell in love"
So what the hell's a bar mitzvah, anyways?
It's a ceremony when you become a man, stupid.
A man? Pfeiffer? Hah-hah. That's got to be the funniest thing I 've heard all day
You're just jealous.
Yeah, you're just jealous.
Jealous? (Frowns.) Why? Because you get to wear one of those little beanies on your head? (Gestures.)
It's called a yarmulke. And for your information, it happens to be a very big deal!
I get to stand up in front of all my friends and my whole family...(gestures)...and say prayers and make this big speech and stuff.
A speech? A speech? Well...(gestures)...now I'm jealous, now I'm jealous.
And then we have this huge party.
Oh, I've heard of those Pfeiffer parties. (Nods.)
Very hot...
Catered...all you can eat and drink...
Ooohh...
And hundreds of guests...(gestures)...and all the girls I want to invite.
Make sure you keep 'em on a leash, now.
And a band.
A live band?
And tons of presents.
Well, if you figure a hundred people...and they each bring one...
You're really gonna get a hundred presents?
Yeah, of course! (Shrugs.) And that's not including the money.
Like how much money? (Gestures.)
???????????
Hmmm...maybe a thousand bucks.
Did he say...
A thousand bucks?
You gotta be crazy - I'm not gonna pay that.
Well, let me talk to a mechanic........Yeah, yeah - I'll hold.
So what are you and Paul gonna do for your birthday this year?
Nothing, I guess. (Frowns.) Paul's having his bar mitzvah. (Shrugs.)
It's not that I was jealous of Paul.
It's not that I was feeling sorry for myself. It's just...
Maybe there was a mini-bike in this for me somewhere.
That's right - I forgot. Well, what are we gonna do about your birthday?
I don't know.
Well, it has to be something good.
You're turning thirteen - it's a big one.
I guess.
Just not the same without Paul, huh? (Frowns.)
Either that, or it's just not the same without a hundred presents and a live band...
Aw, honey.
OK - good, good. Ya got her right where you want her. Now hit her with the trump card.
Well, I'm not sure I even want to do anything this year.
The martyr routine.
I mean, unless some -
Five hundred dollars?
Since when does an alternator cost five-hundred dollars? (Gestures.)
Well, what the hell does a transmission got to do with this?
Like I was saying...unless we could do like a -
Look...
Just don't touch my car, alright?!
Leave it just like you found it! (Gestures.) I'll be right down.
Better grab your coat - I'll need a ride down to the garage.
Don't worry, honey.
We're gonna do something fun for your birthday.
Right, Jack?
Yeah. How 'bout we get Kevin a brand new alternator for his birthday.
Have some more chicken, Kevin. I made it especially for you.
That's right. That's why it's called chicken Kievin.
Dinner at the Pfeiffer's. It was always an experience.
OK, Kevin...
What's that say?
Alvin Pfeiffer - optometrist.
I was the only person he knew with 20-20 vision.
He loved me.
Ketchup.
Incredible.
What a kid, huh?
What a kid.
Al, leave him alone, he's eating. Some more potatoes, Kevin?
Ida Pfeiffer - mom extroardinaire.
I think I was the only one she knew...
Who really liked her scalloped potatoes. She loved me.
Debbie, don't slouch - and get your elbows off the table, please - I just put that down fresh.
Debbie Pfeiffer, Paul's little sister...
The only girl I ever knew to whom I was her concept of the ideal male form.
She really loved me.
Uh, great chicken, Mrs. Pfeiffer. (Smiles.)
Chicken.
That reminds me of a story. (Smiles.)
And Grandpa Pfeiffer.
He had a thousand stories...
And I was the only person who hadn't heard them all a thousand times.
And so, of course...
Kevin. When I was your age...
He loved me.
Like my grandson to your right...(gestures)...I too, had a bar mitzvah. Cousin *Heshy*, cousin *Moshe*, and myself. (Gestures.)
And we were very poor...So all...
These fancy-shmancy gifts that you kids get today...they weren't around.
So do you know...
What I got...
For my bar mitvah?
My entrance into manhood? (Gestures.)
A chicken...
That's right!
A chicken!
It doesn't sound like much, but in those days it was like gold. (Gestures.)
So I took this chicken...
And I put him on some hay outside the school.
And I started on my Baruch. (Frowns.) I was very, very nervous, let me tell ya.
Sweat pouring from every part of my body.
Oh, Dad. Dad, dad.
I was standing up there, doing my thing...
When in walks the chicken.
Right in front of the *beema*. Sits down...(gestures)...starts to cluck! And "pop"...
Out pops an egg!
You must have been really mad.
Mad?
No, no. I had no right to be mad. (Gestures.) It was my bar mitzvah gift, and as my father always said...
Never look...
A gift chicken...
In the mouth!
My family is so...weird.
Oh, this is a great occasion. My family's here, my grandson's friend...(gestures)...is here.
So, Paul, tell me...
Yeah?
You studied hard? (Nods.)
Yeah.
You know all your prayers?
Uh-huh. (Nods.)
Then...(points)...I have something for you. (Nods.)
I wondered what it would be. Money? Stock options? His own car?
The prayer book that I used to deliver my Baruch.
On that fateful night...
Of the chicken.
My grandfather gave it to me. And tonight...(nods)...I wish to give it to you.
Wow...
?????????????????
No. It can not.
My grandson...
You are on the verge of becoming a man. You are about to inherit the love, the joy...(nods)...the bitterness of our people. Their tradition.
From my grandfather, to my father...
To me...
To my son...
And now to you. (Points.)
Masletov.
Maseltov.
Maseltov. (Smiles.)
Two-thousand bucks for a '66 Impala? That's a joke.
Hnnh.
Maybe it was the glow of the half-glass of Manishewits...
But I felt a sudden rush of family pride.
I mean, my family had a rich tradition, too. All I had to do was figure out what it was.
Dad?
Hmmm?
Where's Grampa Arnold from?
Look at that. Highway robbery. What'd ya say?
I said, um, where did Grampa Arnold come from?
Newark.
Ya know, one of these days I'm just gonna get rid of the damn cars...(Gestures.)
And we'll all take the damn bus!
Well.
Like I was saying...
Mom?
Yeah?
I was just thinking about something. (Frowns.)
Uh-hmm?
Oh...I don't know...
See, um...I was over at Paul's house tonight for dinner...and see...
Grampa Pfeiffer was telling...all these stories about his bar mitzvah, and...when he lived in Russia and everything...and, um...
I started thinking about our family, and I -
Is it some kind of law...
That they had to run the garbage disposal...
At critical moments of psychological development?!
Mom?!
Yeah?
I-I was just asking you about where our family came from. I mean...(shrugs and frowns)...what are we?
What are we? (Frowns.)
Yeah, you know...like, Paul's Jewish...and Winnie's Irish...so...(shrugs)...what are we?
Oh, well Gosh, Kevin...
That's...kinda hard to...well, well...(shrugs)...lemme see.
Jack's mother is Italian - well, actually she's half Italian...(nods)...cuz her mother's Romanian, and then...
His father's Polish...
I'm pretty sure about that.
And then my great-grandfather came over from Scandinavia...
Came over a long time ago and married my great-grandmother...
Whose parents were Welsh. But of course, she grew up in Ohio - before they moved to Detroit.
And as my mother tried to put together the strands of our old and faded family tree...
I came to realize what so many American's do in search of their roots.
Or was it Norway?
I...was a mutt.
So the invitations are going out today!
Oh, here - I forgot.
I have one for you.
Special delivery!
Thanks!
There's gonna be so many babes at this thing you wouldn't believe it! I'm inviting Sandy McClouskey, Jodie Hart and Christine Capone. And I'm gonna make sure the band plays plenty of slow songs. (Smiles.)
Ahem!
Please share our joy, as our son...
Paul Joshua, is called to the Torah on Saturday, March eight -
Wait a minute.
It's on the eighteenth?
Well, yeah, I thought you knew that.
Yeah, but...(shrugs)...that's my birthday.
Yeah, I know, but...
Y-y-y-you didn't tell me it was on the eighteenth.
Yes, I did! (Frowns.)
It's supposed to be on the first Saturday after I turn thirteen...
I told you that.
Yeah, but...I didn't realize...
I didn't pick for it to be on that day or anything. It's just...(shrugs)...that's when it's supposed to be.
i know..
i mean...????????
You're not mad, are you?
Well...no, I'm not mad, it's just...(gestures)...I-I'm not gonna be able to come, is all.
Well, no. I mean...
My parents have this whole big huge thing...
Planned for my birthday.
Not even for the ceremony?
Well, Paul, I can't help it if you're having your stupid bar mitzvah on my birthday! I mean, I'm really sorry to tell you this...(frowns)...but you're not the center of the whole stupid world!
Happy birthday...to me...
Wrench!
No, not the crescent...the three-quarter.
Here...
Kevin, honey?
Paul's on the phone...again.
Tell him I'm busy!
Well, I don't want to talk to him - I'm helping Dad!
I guess the old guy must have sensed something was wrong.
Go ahead, Dad, ask. "I haven't seen Paul around lately".
"You two having a fight, or something?"
Screwdriver.
OK, so he didn't sense it.
I mean, what did I expect?
The man wasn't a mind-reader.
I'd just tell him what was bothering me.
We aren't really talking to each other these days.
Hah?
Paul and me...(shrugs)...we aren't really talking to each other.
Ah...
So, ya know, I'm not going to be going to his stupid bar mitzvah. (Shrugs.)
Ya don't say...
It's on the same day as my birthday. My thirteenth birthday...
Can you believe it?
Huh - I mean, the whole point of a bar mitvah is so dumb, anyways. I mean, he's only thirteen years old, and everyone's telling him he's a man. (Frowns.) Now that's really stupid.
I mean, he's just a little kid, don't you think?
Dad?
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah - that's pretty stupid.
Dad?
Huh?
When did you first learn to work on cars?
I don't know - it's just something I picked up along the way, I guess.
Well, is Grampa good at working on cars?
Oh, sure. (Nods.)
I guess I learned most of it from him.
The...fanbelt looks sorta loose.
Huh?
Ya know, you're right.
It's half rotten.
I don't know why I didn't think to check that.
Hey, look, there's a...extra fanbelt in the toolbox.
Why don't you help me try to put it on?
OK! (Smiles.)
As I worked on the car with my father...
I began to realize what I'd been looking for all along. I just needed...recognition.
Something to tell me that I was growing up.
OK...
That's good.
Hey, Wayne!
Get out here and start the car!
I-I can do it!
Nah, I don't think so, Kev - you're not tall enough.
Here, start it nice and easy.
Yes I am!
Step aside, little sprout!
Don't give it too much gas till I tell ya.
I don't want to flood the engine.
The story of my twelve-and-three-quarter-year-old life.
As much a man as the next guy, until the cards were on the table.
Then it's a fine "how do you do", a pat-him-on-the-head, and -
Dammit, Kevin!
Get the hell away from that engine. (Points.) That thing'll take your hand off!
Not...anymore.
Ah...
Happy birthday...
Dear Kevin...
- Happy birthday to you - And you smell like one too
Well, my entrance into the teen years.
The big "one-three".
Could it get any sweeter than this?
Darn! Your dad wanted to have the car back in time for the party...
So we could all go for a ride after.
Yep. Paul gets a band and a thousand bucks...and I get a ride in an Impala with a new fuel pump.
Well, why don't we just start? He'll be along.
Here. Open mine first.
A poem.
Here. I'll read it out loud. It's called "The Pain of Youth".
The pain of youth.
All its slings and arrows...
Stands breathless, facing time.
Edging its way to the rim of the nest.
He is pushed, left to fall.
Fall. Fall to the earth.
And break, writhing in pain.
Oops!
That's my ride - I gotta go.
Happy birthday, Kev.
Why don't you open the rest of your presents?
Yeah, presents!
Who needed a rite-of-passage?
Who needed a father's support?
I had...
A turtleneck.
A bathrobe.
A wallet. (Smiles.)
And finally...
A thesaurus.
Well, I just thought when you were writing a term paper or something, and you wanted to say something is "good", for example...
Then you just turn to "good"...and you can say "considerate"...
"Unblemished", or "pure".
Any synonyms for "extremely dissapointed" in there?
I'll be right back.
Hi! (Smiles.)
Hi. (Smiles.)
Thanks for coming.
Sorry I was so late.
That's OK. I felt like such a jerk up there. (Smiles.)
No. You were good. (Smiles.)
You had a big thing hangin' from your nose...
But you were good. Butthead
Paul! Come on over here!
Come on.
What...?
And so it turned out to be a great birthday after all.
I slow danced with Paul's Aunt Selma.
I ate more than Mrs. Pfeiffer could have dreamed possible. And in a funny way...when I look back on it...
I sorta feel like it was my bar mitzvah, too.
"Bookends Theme"
"Time it was, and what a time it was...it was..."
"A time of innocence..."
"A time of confidences..."
"Long ago...it must be..."
"I have a photograph. Preserve you memories..."
"They're all that's left you"